Early this morning, to the shock of many of Washington, D.C.’s locals in the area, a clearly confused and seemingly elderly man was spotted attempting to chop down one of D.C.’s iconic Cherry Trees near the Tidal Basin.
“Deranged” man attempts to cut down D.C. Cherry Tree
Eyewitnesses of the attempted crime described the scene as “bizarre” and “chaotic”, the alleged man behind the attempted attack on one of D.C.’s Cherry Blossoms was said to be:
- The suspect brandished a hatchet/axe, with the clear intent of cutting down a Cherry Tree.
- Above average in height – estimated at around 6’2.
- Muscular in build – eyewitnesses described him as “dignified” and “commanding”.
- Initial reports suggested he was wearing a white wig, but later reports suggest the perpetrator had red hair.
- The suspect also brandished what was widely reported as a “gnarly” smile and one eyewitness even believed he “had chunks of tree in his mouth”.
- When stopped by standbyers who demanded he explain himself, he responded, “It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” before quickly leaving the area.
The suspected Cherry Tree attacker’s last known whereabouts
After being interrupted by the pedestrians in the area but before police could arrive to question the suspect, the man quickly took off, heading south.
According to those that the suspect briefly spoke to before his quick exit, he had started making some delusional claims like “I am Washington!” and “This place is nothing without me!”, all of which were yelled as the suspect maintained a two-handed grip on his axe.
Police arrived on the scene and were not able to locate the suspect, however, after interviewing eyewitnesses, it seemed that despite the imposing nature of the suspect, he spoke rather clearly and only began to yell after a passerby wearing a red coat interrupted him, but aside from that, one witness even told investigators that the man, “seemed like a politician”.
Update – Suspect last scene heading toward Mount Vernon
Since his quick departure from the Tidal Basin area, D.C. and Alexandria Police have been collaborating and have spotted a man matching the description of the suspect who seemed to be en route toward the Mount Vernon area.
Update – The suspect has turned himself in!
The suspect, who turned himself over to authorities, was quoted saying: “I cannot tell a lie”, and even stated that he’s cut down other Cherry Trees in the past when he was asked about his actions.
The suspect has been positively ID’d as… 292-year-old, George Washington.
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APRIL FOOLS!
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Don’t worry, all of D.C.’s Cherry Trees are safe, besides Stumpy and the other Cherry Blossoms being removed later this spring. 🙁